More articles coming soon!
Tired, lonely parents struggle with superficial family discipleship programs. But by caring for parents’ faith, the church cares for the whole family.
Parenting advice is never in short supply. If you’re a parent, you’ve seen all the tips, “life hacks,” and opinions perpetually flowing through social media, well-intentioned friends, and even your church community. You know the internet is full of Christian bloggers’ ideas for spiritual growth while you have a newborn, for organizing your schedule, for fun family devotions, for involving your children in cleaning the house.
On Instagram in particular, you may have gotten the impression that family faith formation is predictable, even easy, for those who simply follow a good plan.
But real life doesn’t work that way. Parenting is hard and often unpredictable, and it’s further complicated by stress and our culture’s idolization of productivity and worldly success. Many parents find themselves feeling isolated, tired, and daunted by the prospect of yet another project to complete.
Discipling our children, of course, is not a project to check off our lists. But too often, the American church presents family discipleship as a matter of success, programs, and achievements. We should be introducing our particular children to a life deeply formed around the image of Christ, but instead we tend to land on one-size-fits-all programs, spiritual busywork that leads us toward works-based perfectionism or parental burnout and guilt.
However good our intentions, this is not how a child’s faith flourishes—nor is it good for parents, whose well-being is always tied to whether our children are flourishing. How can the church better support families who want to be faithful but feel stretched thin?
The first step is to be more realistic about faith formation in the home.
Overwhelmed by the demands of day-to-day life, parents often rely on their local congregations to disciple children and may ask for a program to help accomplish this task.
Unfortunately, the kind of activities churches tend to suggest—family devotions and other activities—are frequently rote and superficial. They don’t settle deep within the person or encourage authentic relationships and genuine transformation. They don’t delve into the real and sometimes tough questions that parents and children might be wrestling with in this broken world. Unsurprisingly, then, when family life gets too hectic, these programs are some of the first commitments to be cut.
The solution is not more programs or special tips. What we need is faith enacted in our daily lives. We are formed through everyday habits and experiences. “Faith is learned as it is woven seamlessly into the fabric of daily life,” as Traci Smith writes in her book Faithful Families. Authentic Christian faith is not a program but a communal journey of being daily formed into the image of Christ. Our children learn this kind of transformational faith from us, not a workbook. They’re watching us, observing their parents and congregations, asking questions to make meaning of how we live. They want relationships with room for honest dialogue to learn what it means to live as a follower of Jesus. A child’s faith is nurtured in the unnoticed everyday moments of life, like when a mother reminds her son of his identity in Christ, or when a father holds his daughter close for a small and desperate prayer.
There is no guarantee of success as the world understands it in spiritual development. Sometimes we will have the great joy of seeing our children learn to trust in God, but sometimes the parenting journey is wracked with grief and suffering. Rather than handing out more programs, the church should support families in every season by offering practical help, especially in stressful seasons: childcare, meal trains, and listening ears. This kind of care isn’t overtly spiritual, but it lifts weight off parents’ shoulders and leaves them with more wherewithal for discipleship in difficult seasons.
Pastors and other church leaders should also attend carefully to parents’ spiritual formation. By caring for parents’ faith, the church cares for thewhole family. The “mouth speaks what the heart is full of,” as Jesus taught us (Luke 6:45), and parents whose faith is growing in depth and maturity won’t need busywork and programming to disciple their children.
We often default to direct teaching when we think about children’s discipleship, imagining that if we have all the correct answers and tell kids exactly what to do, they’ll grow up well. But that isn’t how children learn best. They pay attention to what we say and how we handle conflict. They see where our churches invest time and money. These things are not lost on a child, and they are what teach children what is worth pursuing in life.
We will inevitably have some programs too, of course, but they should be designed to avoid spiritual busywork and foster intergenerational community. Instead of always shuttling kids off to age-segregated classes, let them forge connections with believers of various ages and life stages.
Parents should not be their only models for the adult Christian life. And our programs should support weary parents and caregivers, too, with prayer, mentoring, Scripture, fellowship, and pastoral care.
Program-focused approaches to children’s discipleship may seem like the easier and more measurable option—as if we could check a box and call our discipleship work done for the day. But discipling is not a project to be efficiently completed. It is a way of life, and it is in the unprogrammed moments of daily life that churches can help families thrive.
Mimi L. Larson is the executive director for Center for Faith and Children as well as an assistant professor of
educational ministries at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. She is the coeditor of Bridging Theory and Practice
in Children’s Spirituality: New Directions for Education, Ministry, and Discipleship.
Ahyuwani Akanet is the managing director for Center for Faith and Children.
Lindsey Goetz is the resource director for Center for Faith and Children and author of The Gospel Story Hymnal.
-
MIMI L. LARSON, AHYUWANI AKANET LINDSEY GOETZ
- 5 min. read
When my wife and I got married we were constantly looking for fun dates that didn’t cost much money. We were broke and in love and just wanted to spend time together without breaking the bank. We loved free dates like reading and talking together at the bookstore or walking around Fort Worth’s Sundance Square with hot chocolate.
Soon my wife suggested that we go to the park to run together. This didn’t sound that appealing to me at first, for running was what my high school football coaches used as punishment, but I soon discovered that running with my wife next to the Trinity River in Fort Worth, Texas is one of my favorite things to do.
She wanted us to run and talk, but I learned that running and talking is impossible for me. All of my effort was on running and just breathing. But, I can run and listen while she runs and talks. We logged hundreds if not thousands of miles on the Trinity Trails and it wasn’t long before my wife had the idea of running a race together.
Running a race together is just like running on the trails together except you have to pay about $80 each. So much for the free dates. Of course, she assured me we would get a “free” t-shirt; a “free” t-shirt that cost us $80. Again, though, my wife was right, and I had the time of my life running these races with her. We started small with a few 5K races and then worked our way up to 10K, half-marathon, and even a full marathon race.
Pacesetters
I saw something new at these longer races; something called, “Pacesetters.” These are the more experienced runners. They hold up signs that let you know the pace they’ll be running for that race. Some signs read, “8 minute,” or “9:30,” or “10:15.” So if you want to run a pace of nine-minute miles, all you have to do is run next to the nine-minute pacesetter. You don’t need to worry about your pace or track your time. You just need to stay close to your pacesetter.
I think of these Pacesetters often as I think about the role of husbands and fathers today.
The man of the house, the husband, the father, is biblically called to lead their family as a Pacesetter. As the shepherd leader of the home, the pacesetter runs the Christian race well, pursuing Christ, paving a path for his wife and children to follow.
The pacesetter is able to tell his family, “run with me, stay close to me, and you will run this race well.”
In the New Testament, Paul proved to be a pacesetter that others could follow. Time and time again, Paul called other Christians to “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1; see also 1 Cor. 4:16; Phil. 3:17; Phil. 4:9).
There is an urgent need for a generation of Pacesetters today; a generation of men, husbands, fathers, who spiritually lead their households.
There is an urgent need for a generation of men who are running the Christian race well as they call their wife and their children to follow them as they follow Christ.
Dependence on Christ
A Pacesetter can only lead well if he follows well. He can only lead others to know and obey Jesus when he knows and obeys Jesus. True spiritual leadership is rooted in submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
Paul didn’t just call others to follow him. He called them to follow him, to imitate him, as he followed Christ.
Spiritual Leadership in the Home
Christian Smith, a Professor of Sociology at the University of Notre Dame, and Amy Adamczyk, a Professor of Sociology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, engaged “empirical evidence from more than 230 interviews” along with “data from three nationally representative surveys,” in order to discover the most important factors in seeing faith passed down from one generation to another.[1] Their research concluded, “the single, most powerful causal influence on the religious lives of American teenagers and young adults is the religious lives of their parents…the influence of parents in religiousness trumps every other influence.”[2]
Parents are on the front line of discipling the next generation.
One finding they note from their research highlights the unique role of fathers in the home:
The role of fathers is especially important in forming children religiously. Both parents matter a lot in faith transmission, but the role of fathers appears to be particularly crucial, providing dads (when they are present) with extra influence and responsibility in the matter.[3]
We see a similar thread woven throughout Scripture as husbands and fathers are called again and again to spiritually lead their households, love and serve their wives, and pass their faith down to their children:
“For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justices, so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what he has promised him” (Gen. 18:19).
“Every man shall take a lamb according to their fathers’ houses, a lamb for a household…then they shall take some of the blood and put it on the two doorposts and the lintel of the houses…The blood shall be a sign for you, on the houses where you are. And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you, when I strike the land of Egypt…You shall observe this rite as a statute for you and for your sons forever…And when your children say to you, ‘What do you mean by this service?’ you shall say, ‘It is the sacrifice of the Lord’s Passover.’” (Ex. 12:3, 7, 13, 24, 26-27).
“The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him” (Prov. 20:7).
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and game himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:25-26, 28).
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
“He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church” (1 Tim. 3:4-5)?
“Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well” (1 Tim. 3:12).
The beauty of cultivating spiritual leadership in the home is seen in the fruit produced in the home. When men lead their families to know Jesus, entire families and generations are transformed (see Acts 10; 16:25-34).
Just as Zacchaeus joyfully received Jesus into his house (Luke 19:6) and soon after heard Jesus proclaim, “Today salvation has come to this house” (Luke 19:9), men today who bring Jesus and his Gospel into their homes are likely to see their entire family enjoying the Lord’s salvation.
Husbands and fathers have a unique role to play in their family’s discipleship and, therefore, a weighty responsibility to lead well.
The calling for the Pacesetter is to simply chase the Lord as you lovingly and consistently tell your family, “run with me, stay close to me, and you will run this race well.”
Jonathan Williams, Ph.D. (Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary) is the founder and executive director of Gospel Family Ministries. This ministry focuses on strengthening family ministry in the local church and cultivating family worship in the Christian home. Jonathan is the author of “A Practical Theology of Family Worship” and “Gospel Family.” He also teaches as an adjunct professor at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, TX, and is the managing editor of the Southwestern D6 Family Ministry Journal. Previously, Jonathan served for 10 years as the senior pastor of Wilcrest Baptist Church, a multi-ethnic church of more than 50 nations. He lives in Texas with his wife and three children.
[1] Christian Smith & Amy Adamczyk, Handing Down the Faith: How Parents Pass Their Religion on to the Next Generation (New York: Oxford University Press, 2021), 1.
[2] Smith & Adamczyk, Handing Down the Faith, 2-3.
[3] Smith & Adamczyk, Handing Down the Faith, 5.
-
Jonathan Williams
- 5 min. read
In a recent study, 10,000 twenty-four-year-olds were asked, “Are you an adult?”
51% percent said, “No.”
Extended adolescence, arguably the most pressing issue of our time, is a significant problem facing our country.
Before the 1940s, the term ‘teenager’ held little significance. The first widespread use of the word occurred in the 1940s when advertising executives sought to target a new audience. The term gained prominence after an article titled ‘Teenager Bill of Rights’appeared in the New York Times [1945], outlining the rights of teenagers post-World War II.
Since then, teenagers have evolved into a powerful, influential subgroup. The advertising executives of the 1940s were onto something; today, the combined spending power of millennials and Gen Z teens is nearly $3 trillion, a significant force that has shaped media, culture, and even the business strategies of companies like Toys R’ Us, which hopes we “never grow up.” Even Tay Tay laments the fact that, inevitably, she had to grow up.
Today, it is common for the thoughts and practices surrounding adolescence to extend into someone’s late 20s. This ‘extension’ is a leading force in driving the marriage and population decline, as well as increased rates of anxiety, depression, and social misfunction. A leading university president, when asked, “What is the number one issue facing college students today,” reasoned:
“They lack critical thinking skills. They can’t think for themselves. They have little to no resilience. All this ‘lack’ leads to anxiety, depression, and mental health issues…”
And here is a hard truth: parents are primarily to blame.
Professional Dog Trainers
As a parent, your role in fostering independence is crucial. When you constantly think for your child, your child will never learn to think for themselves.
For centuries, Greek and Jewish Cultures have understood this. Both cultures have longstanding matriculation processes—a rite of passage or coming of age when a child becomes an adult. Both processes culminate at 12 or 13 years old when a child is no longer expected to think and act like a child.
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” — Paul
Emotionally, physically, and psychologically, there is not much difference between an 11-year-old and a 12-year-old. Which begs the question: What changes?
The parents do.
A child is not magically transformed into an adult during his Bar Mitzvah. What changes is how the community receives that child. They treat him [or her] differently. They treat him like an adult [because he is].
This is why most programs aimed at helping kids mature ultimately fail. Kids do not need help. Mom and Dad do. Professional dog trainers figured this out ages ago. How do you train a dog? You spend 20% of your time with the dog and 80% training the owner.
Your 22-year-old can’t do his laundry because you’re still doing it.
Your 24-year-old can’t cook because she’s had access to Uber Eats since she was 12.
Your 20-year-old sees wisdom as a byproduct of Google and ChatGPT.
It is hard for your 18-year-old to think or speak for himself when he is still sucking on the teat of your coddling and affirmation.
If we want our kids to think and behave like adults who can think, fend, and provide for themselves, we must intently bring them along. Remember, our kids are capable of more than we think. If we want our kids to be a blessing to the world instead of a burden, we must give them room to grow [and fail].
I recently gave a lecture concerning this very thing: extended adolescence. I gave an example, referring to my 11-year-old; some time ago, there was a period of days when he forgot to take his lunch to school. His mother, busy caring for his three siblings, would cover for him, gracefully bringing his lunch to school. Then, one day, I told her to stop. That evening, I met with my son and told him I loved him—that I was proud that he was my son—that he was strong and brave. But this was the last day his mother was bringing his lunch to school…
“Son, you are 11 years old; you must be responsible for ensuring you have your lunch. We work so that you can have food to eat. We buy the food, pack the food, and supply the football-adorned container to transport the food. All you have to do is get it to school. Today is the last day your mom brings your lunch to school. The next time you forget your lunch, you have three options:
1) Steal one. [I strongly encouraged him NOT to do this, as it will lead to greater trouble. But I recognize that bleak times call for extraordinary measures]
2) Beg or borrow from your classmates.
3) Go without lunch. Missing a meal will not kill you.”
Since that talk, he rarely forgets his lunch.
The Briefcase
As my lecture ended, a woman approached me and politely questioned my methods. Fearing that my children would feel as if I did not support them, she encouraged me that maybe there was room for a little more ‘grace.’ She did not seem eager to receive my reply;
“Grace is not a substitute for responsibility. Sometimes, the most grace-filled thing we can do is let our children ‘feel’ consequences. The sting of a bee only hurts for a moment. Missing a lunch, failing a quiz, or being cut from a team is not ultimate. More accurately, these things are moments of testing and proving, an opportunity for our young people to think, feel, process, and respond. When parents intervene and overreact by removing or shortchanging this process, we hurt our kids more than we help them…”
A quick rebuttal: She told me there are times when her husband forgets his briefcase or an important document, and she has to run it to the office for him. To which I replied, “Maybe his mother should have let him miss a lunch or two…”
And, to be sure, there is room for grace in all circumstances. One does not become an adult overnight. As mom and dad, you know your child better than anyone. You decide at what degree and speed you usher your kid into adulthood. But know this: your child(ren) is far more capable than you think—it takes less time to build strong children than to repair broken adults [a play on Douglas].
Children are incredibly resilient. They are tough, bright, creative, and thoughtful. Of course, it is hard to see their resilience when you are looking out the window of a snowplow, moving aside everything that may impede your child’s progress.
What if the thing impeding their progress is you?
Chris Harper is the Chief Story Teller at Betterman, and this post originally appeared on hi personal blog, Good Trouble.
-
Chris Harper
- 5 min. read